Here are some sites (all winners of the coveted Cloth Monkey Web Award) that Cloth Monkey thinks are pretty friggin' cool . . .

Ape Culture  This site is a wonderful hodgepodge of articles covering all sorts of important, need-to-know topics:  The Should You Stalk William Shatner test, a long discussion with Sonny Bono's spirit, and a thesis proposing that when Bob Dole says, "Easy, boy" during the Britney Spears commercial, he ain't talking to the dog.

Drudge Report It's not so much that I'm in love with the Drudge Report. What I truly love about it is how apoplectic other "professional" journalists get about his occasional inaccuracies. "Professionals" like TIME/CNN . . . The San Jose Mercury . . . y'know, guys who are never wrong.

The Cavalier Daily My alma mater's newspaper. I wrote reviews of such stellar movies as "Peeper," "Whiffs" and "Listzomania" for the CD, and I used to get nasty notes from some snotty fourth-year student named Sam Hamm who took issue with everything I said. He later went on to write Batman, so allow me to reciprocate -- Batman was a piece of crap, Sam. (And let's not even mention Monkeybone, shall we?) Katie Couric was on staff, too, and if I knew she was going to end up rich, I'd've paid more attention to her.

The Cigar Page I started smoking cigars in 1982 to impress old-world types and piss off white-wine dilettantes, two important ingredients in my training as a curmudgeon. Now that they've found a way to make cigar smoking the latest yuppie fad, I guess I'll have to give it up. My cigar of choice is Rum Twists from Thompson of Tampa -- you will never catch me paying $5 for a cigar.

The Real Beer Page Lately I've settled on good ol' Sam Adams as my beer of choice. Back when I was single, I made my own beer, and even had labels printed up -- Jungfrau (the German word for virgin), with a picture of a syphilitic young lady on it. I could never get two batches in a row to come out the same.

Scotch Whisky My only vice (if you don't count all the hours spent on this damn computer). My favorites are Islay malts, like Laphroaig and Lagavulin, which have a briny taste to them. After these, the more popular malts taste a little bland. All blended Scotch tastes like shit. Of course, putting water or ice in Scotch is illegal under 5 USC 857, so just say no.

Logistics Technology (Logtech) My dad is a really cool guy. Since he retired from the government in 1982, he has taught courses in MILSTRIP and warehousing for Uncle Sam, and gets to travel around quite a bit (including Israel and Panama). This is the home page for Logtech, his consulting business.

Useless WWW Pages The coolest thing about the Internet is that there is nobody in charge to pass judgement on what gets put on the Web. As a result, any schmuck with $20 a month can put anything he or she wants up for all to see. Witness some of the stuff here.

The Scotsman Online As you can tell from my "Old Country" feature, I spent a few weeks in Scotland in 1985 and was entranced by the place. Edinburgh was one of the most charming cities I've visited, sort of a older and darker version of San Francisco. This is Edinburgh's daily newspaper (with a live picture from their rooftop camera).

Elvis Costello I guess Elvis Costello is the biggest musical influence in my life, because he's so originally twisted ("You're upstairs with your boyfriend while I'm left here to listen/I hear you calling his name, I hear the stutter of ignition"). My other idols are Paul Simon, Bob Dylan (a really cool site), Joe Jackson, Randy Newman, Squeeze and a local Washington group called the Nighthawks -- a fairly standard liberal-arts-major kind of list.

Hippies on the Web I lived in SF in the summer of '67 (the "Summer of Love"), but I was only 11 years old. I've always been interested in that little window of time when one could still think something good was going to come out of all that talking about peace and love and all that crap. What we got out of it was a generation of dysfunctional adults and Bill Clinton.

J-Track This Java applet shows the current location of five satellites, including Mir and whatever shuttle is in orbit, along with a real-time display of the current cloud cover over the earth and the next time each satellite will pass over a selected site. This is what Java can do, and it's breathtaking.

Roll Your Own Sushi I love sushi. The best sushi I ever had was with an old babysitter of mine (after I grew up, natch) in San Francisco (are you out there, Mary?). I'd like to learn how to roll it myself, but I'm terrified of screwing it up and pulling a Homer Simpson ("Poison ... poison ... poison .. tastyfish!") Follow this guy's advice and let me know how it works out.

Karmann Ghia World I once had a red 1967 Karmann Ghia convertible (#420388, built on December 16, 1966). I named it the Frederica Virginia Heinicke, after the young girl in Robert Heinlein's The Door Into Summer. My rule of thumb was that if it wasn't actually snowing, the top was down. Now I drive a minivan and have no fun at all.

Jean Shepherd Born in Indiana, Shepherd is famous for his long-running WOR radio show, for his Playboy writings, for some truly great books (In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash was a major influence on me) and for having written the move "A Christmas Story." The one time I met him, he was pretty full of himself, but I figure the great have a right to be.  (A sad note: Jean died October 16, 1999.  Rest in peace, Ralph.)

Live from the Fairmont Hotel As I've probably mentioned, I love San Francisco. This site has a digital camera mounted on the roof of the Fairmont Hotel. The picture is updated every five minutes. There is also a camera at Battery Street, near the Embarcadero. Most citycams are pretty boring, but San Francisco never looks the same from moment to moment.

P. J. O'Rourke Back in the 70's and 80's, I breathlessly awaited each new issue of National Lampoon to read O'Rourke's latest -- always a cut above the mag's usual. Now he is, along with Dave Barry, one of the best sneaky libertarian voices in the country. His recents works on the stupidity of government should be required reading in school.

Pacifica Internet Cafe From 1964 to 1968, I lived in Pacifica, about 8 miles south of SF. It was a great place to be a kid. We had a magnificent view of the ocean, there were a bunch of neat hills to climb around on, and a surfer got eaten by a shark one Saturday afternoon, with Coast Guard helicopters and search teams and everything. You can't beat excitement like that.

The Rat Pack Home Page Allow me to say that this is the sine qua non, the epitome, the ultimate Web page. All the things vital to being a civilized person are here. Everybody else pack up and go home -- Dr. Bombay has said it all better than any of us could. Read it and weep, Jack!

Mentos! Think about TV commercials. Now think -- what is the most annoying and stupid of them all? That's right -- Mentos! This site has everything you've ever wanted to know about "The Freshmaker," and you have to wonder about the guy who put this page together. Does he have a real life? Don't know, but I'm sure he's fresh.

America's Spacecraft -- Where Are They Now? Ross Finlayson at Stanford has put together a list that any space freak like me has to love. The most interesting item is that the Apollo 13 command module Odyssey, which has been in the Musee d l'Air in Paris for all these years (why France, for God's sake?), is being moved this year to the Kansas Cosmosphere in Hutchinson, KS.

I Hate Star Trek! Yes! TOS was great, but, as this guy points out brilliantly, TNG, DS9 and V all suck. Call be a purist, call me an idiot, call me too old to change -- the original is the only true Trek.

The Apollo Lunar Surface Journal The 7-inch audio tapes I made of all the lunar landings are starting to rot away, so I'm glad I found this site. Eric Jones at Los Alamos has put together a very complete transcript of all the surface activities, along with extensive comments by all but two of the moon landers. (It's too late to talk to Al Shepherd, but note to John Young -- get off your ass and give Eric a call!)

The Misanthropic Bitch Carlene is the rarest thing on earth - a chick who thinks like a guy. She likes porn, hates feminists, and actually wrote me once. What more do you want?

The M-31 Galaxy of Transistor Radios  If you are of a certain age (I first heard "Eleanor Rigby" in my backyard tent), you remember the wonderful transistor radios, which ruled the roost from '55 to '65, and were a major factor in the rise of the youth culture.  See if you can find yours -- there's over 300 pages of 'em.

The Edmund Fitzgerald This page is maintained by a fifteen-year-old webmaster, who's done a very good job.  The Fitz went down on November 10, 1975. There are lots of newspaper articles about the fabled wreck, the Coast Guard report, the efforts to salvage the ship's bell for the 20th anniversary of the sinking, and lots more. A touching tribute.

Encyclopedia Titanica Speaking of shipwrecks, here is the most heartbreaking of them all. I have always been haunted by the loss of the Titanic, the victim of technical hubris and the belief in Man's superiority over Nature, on that chill calm April night. This site contains lots of info, pictures and links. This photo is the last taken of her as she left Queenstown (now Cohb), Ireland on April 11, 1912.

The Cato Institute Washington DC is full of crazy people with even crazier agendas. The only group in town that consistently makes sense is the Cato Institute, a libertarian think tank that is starting to make itself known to the general public. Read some of their position papers and see if you don't see the blinding light of truth shine on you.

Telephone Exchange Numbers If you're my age (uh. . . 39 and holding, Houston), or older, you must remember telephone exchanges (PEnnsylvania 6-5000, MUrryhill 5-6095, etc.) When the phone company went digital, they got rid of them, which is a shame. This guy has done a study and collected some old exchange names for us -- and where else could you find stuff like this except on the Internet?

News of the Weird National Lampoon used to have a cool section called "True Facts," full of strange news stories and odd facts. Chuck Shepherd, who was my business law professor at George Washington University, publishes a similar weekly column. This stuff gives you a great perspective on life -- pretty twisted, but great.

The Straight Dope Cecil is God. Cecil is Lord. Cecil answers the questions you've always wanted to ask, but couldn't ask because everyone would think you were a pervert or a moron. It's somehow fitting that this column comes from Chicago, the most "original" city on earth.

The Eastland Disaster In 1915, the steamer Eastland capsized in the Chicago River while leaving for a Western Electric picnic.  Over 800 people died in 20 feet of water.  My great-grandparents, Emil and Mary Doyen, were supposed to be on the trip, but their 2-year-old daughter Irma came down with the flu and they cancelled.  I owe my existence to Grandma Irma's fortuitous illness.

Female Celebrity Smoking Page I'll admit I have a fetish about women smoking (my first girlfriend had a four-pack habit, and as a result I have a Pavlovian response to cigarette smoke).  But this page is so over-the-top obsessive and voluminous that it has to be some kind of zenith in the genre.  I can't even figure out if the guy is for or against smoking. (This picture is Gillian Anderson, by the way - hubba hubba.)

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